Eighteen

I am making slow progress but some things set me back, a fair number of things set me back. One being the fact that its Christmas and aside from my parents and sister I had no one special to buy a gift for, sounds stupid but I really wish I had a person I could do that for I just have this incessant need to make someone else happy. Another being that I watched the notebook today, I feel horrible that at their age in the movie they were desperately in love, and I have yet to experience some feel like they had. I don’t know what is wrong with me, no matter how happy I think I am, once I look at things, and think about things, I am miserable. I just want to be something for someone. Believe me, I know for sure, it will happen, I am fully confident, but I am sick of waiting, I am sick of looking. I sincerely don’t know where to go from the point I am at now.

Sleep is when I have confidence.

Seventeen

With Christmas just around the corner I am in an ok mood, mediocre at best, it comes to a time when things are just straight up stressful. I am currently trying to find a job in Newmarket while living in the stressful domain that is my mothers house. It is proving to be hard, but there is another side to this story, my friend Kate has offered me a place to live in Toronto for a very affordable price. As well, she has told me her work is hiring, which is even more of a convenient, I am going to spend the weekend, and hand off a few resumes around her area. I want this to be something very impulsive, I don’t want to think about this a lot, I want it to just happen and deal with problems as they happen to come along. Good life. Hard life.

Overcome.

Sixteen

I am about to fucking lose it.

Fifteen

So it is 5:30 am at the commencement of this post, I am moving home, it was a quick decision I am very glad I made, I will be returning to Newmarket tomorrow. I have almost all my stuff packed and I can honestly say I came across no memories or sentimental objects from being here. I am glad I have made the decision to go home and start working again, I really feel like making money and doing fun things is where I am at in my life right now. While basing in mind I am hardly just 18, I have zero idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of the year. What I do know is that in March, I am going to visit Willem in Holland for a little while, I think it would be kind of funny if I fell in love with the place and never came back. But seriously that is more or less what I would like to happen, I am going to try backpacking, well I guess it would be backpacking. It will more literally be me making friends with people in different parts of the world and going to hang out. I think the next chapter will be a good experiment, I don’t expect anything revolutionary, but I assume something wicked will come of all this. I really hope everything goes well for the next little while, but if it doesn’t, fuck it man. I am happy right now.

 

You do you and I’ll do me.

Fourteen

After the trip to D.C. and hanging around a lot, I am starting to cheer up, starting to realize what it is I want to do. My mother offered to bring me home earlier than we were planning on and considering my food situation and all else,  I think I am going to go ahead and take that offer, this will give me a head start on getting a job, whether it be seasonal or not, either way, I will be making money and money is a good head start on traveling and going somewhere interesting. I think I might try to actually do Katimavik this year, can’t be all that bad. Going home for christmas is going to be rad, there are only about 5 people I want to hang out with when I get home. But it will be a good winter, I am going to get my skates sharpened, and public skate and do other winter stuff!

I am actually in a pretty good mood, I turn 18 tomorrow and am a little more excited now. Mom, Dad, I know you both read this, and I love you.

 

Cash rules everything around me.

Thirtheen

This weekend, I went to Washington D.C. with my cousin, this was an extremely impulsive trip on both our parts and I think the best part was the sheer spontaneity. I met some awesome people who have become awesome friends, but quite realistically we will spend the next year or two talking about coming back to visit and chances are it won’t happen. I stayed up all night as per Sunday’s procedure and when I woke up just a little bit ago I was confused as hell, it took me a while to understand why I had slept so long. You ever notice how the things you miss the most are the easiest to get back, they are just simply, too far away and out of your control. I have officially stopped going to class, I know I more than likely wasn’t going to pass and I mean whatever. I am going to write this semester off, I did not want to be here, I did not enjoy it, I am not going to pretend I did and strive to make my academics reflect as such. I don’t know what to say, I feel like I am under something right now. My birthday is in three days. There is a good chance it will be spent alone in my room.

Twelve

Well, I think I may have lost it, after going home this weekend, seeing my Mom, Dad and sister, and then getting back here it is just too much of a change. I woke up this morning, ready for class, looked at my schedule, and laid back down almost ready to cry. I didn’t go to any classes today, its just too hard to face it, to sit in the class room while I just do not want to be there. I have changed drastically since being here, I have hardened my skin and let my insides get softer. I am much more independant, but at the same time my need for attachment, has increased, seeing so very many people here with boyfriends and girlfriends just kinda sucks and makes me want to find someone even worse. I am working on Mazlow’s Higherarchy of Needs but hitting it at all different sections at the same time. This is kind of a tough thing to deal with at the age of 17, but I will deal with it. Speaking of my age, my birthday is coming up, I am turning 18 obviously, and for some reason I am worried, I always have this strange worry that my family and friends will forget my birthday and I will go unoticed on this day, and strangely I am ok with that. Its not that I like being alone or what have you, it just, I don’t know…

Don’t be so surprised with what is inside.

Eleven

I have such a bad sleep schedule, it is fucking insane, I am starting to arise from my sleep while the sun is on its way down on the weekends, even now, Monday morning 6:20 I have yet to sleep, I think I may pull another all nighter as I did last Sunday. I am going home this weekend and I am totally stoked, I am going to see Forfeit, No Harm Done and Vicious Cycle. My roommate used my fucking tooth brush AGAIN tonight and I decided I am going to tell him start being a little more conscious because it just aggravates me to no end. I don’t think I have ever met someone with such little self awareness. He has like one thing in the fridge, the rest is just FULL with my stuff, and he goes and hangs on the fridge, as if he is looking for something new… I can’t wait to be home, me and Dad are going to get a house and I mean…that is going to rule, so hard. On a side note, my dad got facebook this week and I am ecstatic. Life is pretty good, I am already thinking about how I am going to buy a Forfeit shirt, and the 7 inch, and a Vicious Cycle Shirt and all 7 inches they have with them. This premise of getting new clothes and new music excites me, but it will be pretty much the last few dollars I have left. This does not sadden me as it should though, as I am ok with the fact of spending all my money on hardcore…its where it belongs

As the sun sets on our last day, I will plant flowers, and water them with the blood of children.

Ten

I always liked the way the number 10 looked spelled out, its so official and definitive when you look at it. I have been provoked to make this post by my Dad who checks my blog daily, because he is the best dude. Let me tell a few stories about my Dad, involving him saying hilarious things which is a regular kind of thing for him. One time at home, me and two of my friends asked him what he was doing after walking into the garage he replied “…Why the fuck do you care… I’m going to drink some beer, stand over here, maybe fart a bit”, after this was said, we accepted it and moved on. About a year and a half ago my dad found out about the slang term “sick” he used it…quite frequently to the point it was just nonsensical, and hilarious such as “that is one sick individual”. Oh and I will never forget the time my dad looked at me and said “Are you a faggot?”, this coming from a very liberal and open minded dude. And definitely not the time my dad found out the Liquor Store had a sale on a kind of bagged wine he liked, $5 a bag, he told me this then followed it by “There is 15 bags in the front hall closet”. Brian Hall is one solid dude, I will quote my friend Ryan Mccarney in saying “BRIAN HALL DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK!”. I have run out of money, my bank account has $1.72, my meal plan has $1.48 on it, and I have pretty much no food, I am ok with this, seriously, I am not worried, I have a check for $183.19 that I will cash when things get really really sticky. Exactly one month left, awesome.

There is one more thing, this song is also for my Dad, because I know how much he likes it, and today is Rememberance day.

They will stare when they know its over, and they know you ended it.

Nine

I am in a pretty good mood, with the coming date of the end of the semester things are looking up, I am sincerely glad that I gave college a try and am giving all my classes aside from one my fullest effort. In a time where there is a lot of pressure on me to make important decisions I am trying to keep myself collected with the relaxed attitude I try to approach most of my endevours with. I have found a place to live, underneath where Sterling currently lives, I am looking forward, not too expensive, and close to downtown. It is gratifying when you find something that falls into place like this. Theres also this cool girl, we have been friends for a while, but she is now single and…were minglin’. Like I said, its cool when things just sort of happen, really cool, I miss my dad, I miss my mom, me and mom came to pretty common ground about things. This is going to be tough for me, and I understand that, but that is just what I need, I need to work hard but for something I care about, not for something I’m “supposed” to care about. I guess nothing else is really on my mind.

This is me right now:

Evil ways, are creeping in.